Assalamualaikum my dear,

How are you? It’s been too long since I’ve opened this newsletter that I feel a little awkaward typing here!

I pray you had a blessed Ramadan filled with barakah and the light of iman.

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My Ramadan this year was a very different one, subhanallah.

Alhamdulillah, on one hand, we had our beautiful Quran Journaling Circle happening daily where we were journaling the whole of Surah Maryam, verse by verse, over the month (check out a few highlights here!).

I was actually so sure todays newsletter would be filled with my ‘top 5 verses’ or ‘favorite lessons from Surah maryam’ or something like that. But I feel like there’s just so much to share from there that I need a bit more time to put it all together for you!

On the other hand, this Ramadan was a very different one in my personal life. It was the first time ever my health took a serious dip.

Alhamdulillah all is well now, so nothing to worry about! But for someone who’s never really struggled with health issues before, I wasn’t mentally (or physcially) ready for this type of Ramadan.

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An average Ramadan for me

Ramadan for me was my yearly spiritual bootcamp.

It was the month that I used to push myself physically and spiritually, to heal my iman (faith) that had been bruised and broken over the course of that year. It was the month where I poured as much as I could into my own spiritual cup to make sure it was overflowing by the time Eid arrived.

For years, I had a set formula on what I needed to do every Ramadan to rejuvenate my iman. A formula that got me ready to leave the month with my iman rebuilt, stronger than before.

It was a formula that revolved around really pushing myself to my limits. From surviving on minimal hours of sleep to standing till your soles hurt in long nights in qiyam to reciting till the fasting thoats are dry and hurting.

It was a formula that had been tried and tested over many years and one I religiously came back to every year.

My ‘iman-boosting’ formula.

What this Ramadan looked like

I entered this month so ready with this set formula.

But what do you do when your body physically can’t keep up?

What do you do when you’re body is just too sick to fast that day? What do you do when your body physically can’t get up from its bed, too weak and fatigued at night?

It would be an understatement to say that I was taken aback by the physical limitations of my own body. By the time I was a week into Ramadan, I was falling into a sort of depression.

The way I saw it was that I was not doing what my ‘iman-boosting’ formula required me to do which meant my iman was not growing. I was failing Ramadan.

On top of that, with the consistent cloud of fatigue over me, I was no where near feeling that spiritual high everyone else around me seemed to be talking about.

It felt like another sign that I. was. failing.

I found myself having all sorts of scary difficult thoughts from -

• wondering if my state of heart was that corrupt that I was being so ‘lazy’ even though shaytan was locked up (you were ill girl),

• to wondering if I had sinned and this was some sort of punishment from Allah (aauthubillah),

• to wondering if this was a sign that my year ahead was already a failure, since I wasn’t reaching my ‘iman goals’.

I know, these are some pretty nasty thoughts to have.

The thing is, when you are going through something like this, usually you are told to be patient, that Allah tests those who love him.

It’s easy to understand that when you’re not in the midst of the test. But when you’re in the eye of that tornado, it becomes so hard to internalise it anymore.

The Hadith that got me through

But alhamdulillah for going through this, because it was reaching this rock bottom that made me fall in love with Islam even more.

How?

Around 2 weeks into Ramadan, I opened my Instagram to check something (on my desktop since I was meant to be detoxing!) and within 30 seconds of opening it, I came across a thread that made me stop in my tracks -

I didn’t even open this thread to read what the full thread was about.

Just this one line…it was enough.

How could I have forgotten this? How could I have forgotten what a blessing it is to be sick in Islam.

I knew this was from Allah. I knew that post was kept there specifically by Him, Al Wadud (The All Loving), Al Lateef (The Subtle One) for me to see.

Memories from my childhood of my parents whispering to me that the angels are removing my sins because of the tummy ache I have flash before me. Of reminding me of the beautiful hadith of the Prophet (saa) -

The days after

Suddenly, my Ramadan felt like a blessing. The dark filters of pain and difficulty were replaced by the rosy filters of blessings and forgiveness.

Here I was thinking, as my body struggled to do even a minuscule of what I used to do, here I was thinking that I had failed this Ramadan, that things were going really wrong.

But in fact, things were going better than they ever had, subhanallah.

Yes I may have thought I had a figured out formula to improve my Iman over these days of Ramadan. But that does not even come close to the amount of sins that were being removed from my scale of deeds over this month!

Every moment I thought I was failing was actually a moment of cleansing of my soul. A moment of profound blessing.

Isn’t Islam beautiful?

Isn’t Islam, our way of living, so beautiful? Isn’t Allah truly Ar Rahman (The Most Merciful)?

Allah tells us He created us to worship Him and we live our lives as a test to determine our place in the hereafter. So we try push ourselves to do good, and try even harder to stay away from the bad.

But in between all that life continues. Sickness, financial stress, death of our loved ones, grief. And as we grow older and we enter the world of adulting, we start to experience it all first hand.

Sometimes its easy to see those experiences as a hindrance, as an inconvenience on our path towards Allah. They can take over our minds and bodies, making it difficult for us to do more worship, do more deeds pleasing to Allah.

It’s easy to be told that you being tested is a sign of Allahs love for you. But this Hadith I shared with you today really reminded me practically how.

Yes, Allah truly does love me because every moment I feel any sort of pain, He is removing sins from me. He is removing those black dots on my heart. He’s bringing me closer to my path to Jannah.

This pain is a blessing, alhamdulillah,.

My dear reader,

The other day I twisted my back while getting up from bed (what is happening to me lol), and subhanallah the whole experience was so much easier and lighter (although the pain was ooft!) just because of this one Hadith. It just felt like a blessing than a difficulty, alhamdulillah.

I really pray this finds you on a day you need some help through your difficulty. Remember the Hadith doesn’t limit the difficulty to physical pain. It is for any sort of hardship — physical, mental, emotional, financial.

Any moment where life feels tough, I really hope you remember Allah really loves you. He’s removing all your sins for you. And getting you ready for the Day you meet Him.

Until next time,
Thasneema 🌻

PS. Please do not worry about my health! Alhamdulillah things are a lot better now. I was hesitant to share this because not a lot of people were aware of my health taking a dip and I don’t want to make anyone worry! But I decided to share this because honestly, I’m sure there’s someone out there who felt the same as I did and I hope this letter comes to you as a virtual hug from me 🥺💌