It's ok to not know

Trying to find purpose in the middle of the rat race

Thasneema
March 21st, 2021

While reviewing and reflecting over my last read, Tuesdays with Morrie, a previous journal entry that I’d written came to mind.

Tuesday 19th November 2019

I feel so stressed nowadays. Its getting too much. Im not sure I can go on. The to do lists never seem to grow shorter, it just grows and grows. Im worried.

My worries are not of the to do lists themselves though. My worries are whether my to do lists are even worth working towards. I seem to just be running and running, on this path thats been run by a million before me, towards this destination they call ‘success’.

The funny thing is, I know that destination isn’t what I believe to be success. But yet, I still carry on running this same path the rest run, hoping to see my destination in the end.

Grades, degrees, extracirriculars…all to ‘bulk up the CV’, all to increase the likelihood of getting a job I dont even know if I want in the first place.

At times like this, I can’t help envying the simplicity of life some people seem to have around me. A life that just consists of now and today. A life where the word stress seems non existent. I mean, I am grateful to Allah for granting me the drive to always aim high, to grow more.

And truth be told, I dont mind all this stress if I knew it was contributing to what I really want to do. But this is not what I really want to do. Theres something else. Im not sure what it is. I feel like its right in front of me, just out of my reach. I can almost touch it.

All I can do is pray.

A few reflections:

I think this entry marked the beginning of a journey of introspection. It’s why Mitch’s character and his growth throughout the book, from being someone who was constantly running after this world to finding what truly mattered to him, resonated with me. The pre-‘Tuesday 19th November 2019’ girl was growing up to be exactly like the old Mitch. Following the status quo of success. Just becoming another rat in the race. It’s hard not to, when ‘success’ is defined as winning this race. And sometimes its easier to just be a part of it. To trod on the well trodden path. Yes, the ‘winners’ of this race seem as miserable as the rest of us, yes there seems to be no finishing line in sight but…stop overthinking my friend, this is life, is what anyone who pauses in the middle of this race is told.

But is it?

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important.”

- Tuesdays With Morrie

My entry that night ended exactly there — 'all I can do is pray’. At that point, that was the only step I knew to take. But that’s what began it all.

From then onwards, I put my hands up and talked to Him, told Him how lost I felt, asked Him for guidance, for clarity and without realizing, doors started opening. Small stuff, nothing major. A random video, a passing comment, a new opportunity. In those moments I had no clue all these small things Allah was blessing me with were in fact responses to my earnest prayers.

Does this mean that today I’ve discovered my ‘calling’, my purpose on this Earth? No, far from it really. I’m still as clueless about life ahead. The thing that I can ‘almost touch’ still seems to be just out of my reach. But reflecting on where I’ve reached today from that Tuesday night in 2019 allows a sense of serenity to envelop my journey forward - that I am not on my own trying to figure out life. All this is in His Hands, the Most Wise, the Most Loving.

Anytime I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed about my future, I remind myself of our Nabi (s). It was only at 40 that Allah chose to bestow Prophethood upon him. At 40 was when he found his 'calling’. 40 years old! An age that our society considers to be one of stability, of little change, was an age he (s) began a new chapter. In actual fact, if you think about it, a greater portion of Prophet (s) life was him without Prophethood. So yes, I may not know today what exactly my purpose is, why Allah chose me to be here. And that’s fine. It’s ok to not know what you want your life to be about by the time you graduate, by the time you turn 25, by the time you’re 40.

What matters is that I am working on myself till then and not waiting for a miracle to happen. That I am waking up every morning with the intention of being a better version of myself than yesterday. That I’m constantly learning, constantly experiencing, constantly growing, all whilst asking for guidance from the One who Guides.