I’m scared to be kind and that scares me

These past few days, I’ve found myself hesitating to do kind things. It’s not that I’m actively trying to be unkind or anything. It’s just, when a situation presents itself where I can go out of my way to be kind or helpful to someone, I hesitate.

And that scares me.

I’ve been thinking about why this hesitation has become a thing, because I really don’t like it.

Fear of Expectations

I feel like when we were younger, doing kind acts of kindness was always appreciated. Cooking for your family was something special, it was something you announced to the household. Helping your teacher clean up her class or deciding to bake for the funfair — all these moments were seen as you going out of your way to do something, doing something unexpected. And as a result, it was seen as something special and so something highly appreciated.

But then as you grow older, and you enter the phase of adulthood — of being an employee, a daughter in law, or even a niece. And the roles you play in life are no longer as 2d as they were when you were younger. Every relationship as an adult has a give and take. Naturally as a result, things are starting to be expected of you. And when things turn into expectations, they are no longer appreciated much (read more about about what I have to say about appreciation and the Quran here)

There’s nothing wrong with having expectations. It’s natural to. Everyone of us expects to be respected, to be listened to, to feel safe in every relationship we have. But apart from those general expectations, each relationship comes with more specific ones.

But who sets out the expectations? There’s no job description of expectations that comes with being a good family member or a colleague. So who decides that baseline of expectations?

I believe those expectations get set over the natural course of the relationship. Which is why they can sometimes be dangerous, and where I struggle.

Because the more a certain act of kindness is repeated, the more likely it can end up being set as the baseline of expectations. To you, you see yourself going out your way to do this act. But as a result of the repetition, the other party see it as the norm. They expect it as the norm.

It’s as simple as who takes the bins out. And I’m the first to put my hands up, guilty of this. In the early months of marriage, my husband tended to be the one who used to tie up the bins to take down. He simply did it as an act of kindness to me, so that I wouldn’t have to get changed and wear my hijab just to take the bins down. Now nearly 2 years later, taking out bins is non-existent on my house chores radar. And I’m guilty of feeling a bit annoyed when I have to do the bins. I have to quickly rebuke myself on that one, because I realised I was expecting something that began as an act of kindness.

Fear of resentment

In relationships like marriage though, things feel a bit more transparent. The closeness of the relationship makes it easy to voice your feelings of frustration when you start to feel unappreciated. Or when you feel like too much is being expected from you.

But it’s usually for the more distanced relationships that I find myself hesitating for. Extended family members, in laws, colleagues. The relationships aren’t close enough for me to be able to voice out feelings without causing rifts and problems. And so you carry on going out of your way, doing those acts of kindness.

But the thing is, they no longer feel like acts of kindness anymore. They now start to feel like obligations. And as the weight of these expectations grow and grow, and as you continue to push yourself to meet that baseline, something shifts. You start to feel this deep dark emotion travel up from the depths of your soul all the way to the back of your throat. It has a nasty taste and a heaviness that lingers around — resentment.

And when that feeling sets in, every interaction in that relationship starts to get coloured by it. The good, the bad, the highs, and the lows all get tainted by the heaviness of this emotion. It’s hard to see any beauty in that relationship after that. I’ve seen this play out in the relationships of people in my life, and that scares me.

Which is why when the situation presents itself where I can go out of my way to be kind or helpful to them, I hesitate. I start to overthink — Is this a good idea to do this? If I start doing this for them today, can I handle this being expected from me from now on?’ And if the answer is no, I hesitate.

My final thoughts

As a Muslim, a part of me is ashamed that I feel like this. When I read about the Prophet (pbuh)’s life of how he kept giving and giving and giving, or when I learn about the importance of sadaqah and charity in my faith, it makes me feel so guilty that I have these feelings.

But a part of me is really grateful I have had these feelings because it makes me more aware of the weight expectations have. It’s made me reevaluate and wary of the expectations I have from others. It’s made me become more appreciative to any act of kindness from people around me. And most of all, its made me more open and humble to receive criticism about my own expectations.

Along with that, it’s made me hold my hands up in dua more. To ask the Most Generous, the One who Answers, the Turner of Hearts to expand my heart. To make my hands the hands of those who are generous and giving. To make me like the Prophet (pbuh) in his generosity and character.

And finally, it made me fall in love with my faith more. In my Lord who is unlike man — Who is appreciative when man is disdainful, Who is just when man is unfair.

It has makes me realise that maybe, the way to overcome this fear is to lower my of expectations from man — to not expect to get appreciated. And to increase my expectations of my Lord — the One who promised you that every good deed will be rewarded.

And He is the One who is promise is always true.

Thank you for reaching till the end of this post!

I hope we get to meet each other in that post. Until then, if you have any thoughts about what you’ve just read let me know (in the comments or any other way). I’d love to start a conversation!

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Until next time,

Thasneema 🌻