Assalamualaikum my dear,

Today I felt like I came out of a sort of dark place and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. It felt like it was one of the first times I felt calm and grounded in these moments, and I’ve been trying to understand what was different this time.

I really wanted to share a few of those thoughts with you today, so brace yourself for a few jumbled thoughts today.

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The past week or two have been kind of scary.

I was in a sort of spiritual rut which I had no clue how to get out of. Everyday felt like walking though mud. I’ve been standing up on my prayer mat, but with my mind racing to a million places. I’ve been dragging myself to the shelf to pick up my Quran, because I really didn’t want to spend time with it. I’ve been scrolling past any YouTube recommendations from shuyook and speakers, and settling for other random videos instead.

To make matters worse, I knew we were entering the best days of the year and a part of me was wondering, is this lack of spirituality during the best 10 days of the year a form of punishment from Allah.

I knew I shouldn’t think like that, but those whispered thoughts made way in to my head regardless of how hard I tried to push them away.

And every time I sat in front of my laptop to write this weeks letter to you, I just couldn’t bring myself to type anything. I wondered who am I to write to you all, when I am in this mess myself?

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But then Wednesday afternoon arrived. I was sitting in my counselling class. We had just finished the first half of the day, so our tutor called an early lunch for us all. I glanced at the time. It was just turning 12, a long time till Dhuhr.

Out of nowhere, from the teeniest corner of my heart, I heard a small, almost indistinct whisper, ’Shall we pray Duha?’

I froze. What? No way did I feel that tug that I haven't felt for so long.

I jumped out of my seat to the bathroom to make wudhu, fearful that those whispers would disappear if I sat with them for too long. I ran to my prayer mat, and for the first time in what felt like forever, I prayed a salaah that I enjoyed standing for.

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For the rest of the day, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened.

I have been through spiritual ruts before, but I don’t ever remember it ever ending this distinctly and easily. It made me really think long and hard, what steps did I do differently this time?

I could think of 3 specific things I definitely did a lot more of than I usually do.

1. Realising that there will always be ups and downs

This might have been one of the first times I was very conscious of being in a spiritual rut. Usually, I’m in denial for way too long which means it takes me longer to get out.

But this time, I felt it from the start. I felt the shift in me. I felt the lethargy in my prayer, the lack of joy when finishing my hifdh portion. I hated that I was in this spiritual low, I didn't like it at all, but I realised that I can’t expect to be at a spiritual high all the time.

And as a result, I…

2. Continued my routine (even when I didn’t want to)

This was the first time I continued doing all the acts of worship during my day, even on the days I was deep down in the spiritual hole. I carried on turning up to recite to my hifdh buddy. I carried on making dhikr during all my house chores.

Honestly, I so badly wanted to take a break from hifdh, and maybe put on a podcast or some nasheeds while doing house chores instead. But I carried on those routines I’d set up for myself, even though I didn’t enjoy it or feel any sort of imaan boost after.

I'm not sure what gave me the strength to continue in those moments. I think a part of me just hoped I would eventually make a breakthrough by pushing myself.

But retrospectively, as I sit here today and reflect, I realise how important it was for me to have continued all those deeds.

A lot of the times, we do good deeds because of the way they make us feel, or the iman boost it gives us. But there is actually a danger in making that your main goal.

Because what happens when you don’t feel that iman boost like you used to? What happens when you hit a spiritual dip? You’ll notice yourself shedding those good deeds one by one. I remember a teacher telling us the danger of this, of chasing good deeds for the iman high.

Even thought it is ok to want that, it shouldn’t be our sole intention for doing good deeds. Our main intention should be doing it for Allahs sake. So even on the days we find ourselves not feeling the beauty of the Quran, not finding salaah a source of comfort, we still continue it.

Because we do it for Him, not for ourselves.

3. Just kept whispering duas

And along with continuing my routine, I would occasionally just make dua. When I ended a hifdh session feeling less at peace than when I started, or when I finished an unfulfilling salaah, I’d just whisper:

‘Oh Allah, please make me love the Quran.’

‘Oh Allah, please make salaah the coolness of my eyes.’

‘Oh Allah, please keep my heart firm in faith.’

And as I finally finished that Duha prayer on that Wednesday afternoon, it became completely apparent to me - this ordeal I thought was a punishment was really just a test. A test from My Lord to see how much I would persevere for Him. How much I would try to continue walking towards Him. My Lord wanted me to raise my ranks with Him and so He tested me like He tests those believed to Him.

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So Sis,

If you are currently finding yourself in that spiritual rut, first of all, you are in my duas 🤍. I pray Allah keeps this phase as short as possible for you! But also, I hope today’s letter inspires you to just keep at it with all the beautiful good deeds that you do. Allah sees you continuing to persevere, continuing to push yourself to please Him. And He hears your whispers of dua.

You know, a part of me really didn’t want to share today’s letter with you, because it meant sharing an ugly side of myself.

But I know we all go through those moments of low imaan. And it’s honestly so tough while you’re in it. Everything just seems dark and it feels like you are in this deep deep well with no way out.

But I wanted to share my Wednesday afternoon thoughts with you to show you, it’s not a well that you are in, it’s just a tunnel. A small tunnel where you’ll soon see the light on the other side. And you’ll soon leave this tunnel into that light of imaan, back to where you belong.

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Until next week.

From your sis,

Thasneema 🌻