A Sudden Illness And An Even More Sudden Death

My grandma, may Allah have mercy on her, passed away this Saturday. I was right besides her as I saw her leave us.

It’s crazy how fast life can change. Less than a month ago my grandma showed no signs of any major illness. She was bustling around cooking and looking after my grandad. My calls with her were filled with her giggles as I’d babble on about everything happening in my life in my extremely broken Malayalam.

And then we got the results and in a span of a few weeks, she ended up from that independent strong loving grandma to lying bedridden on a hospital bed unable to even swallow the bit of oats we were desperately trying to feed her. She couldn’t lift a finger, she struggled to speak clearly. And her nights were spent moaning in pain.

–

I arrived last Tuesday to India, in time for her to be discharged from the hospital to her home to spend her last few days.

Seeing the ambulance arrive home, her being carried out in a stretcher to her bedroom which was now revamped into a hospital room was too much for me.

Those last few days with her were filled with emotions of disbelief. I just couldn’t believe that this might be the end for her. My parents told me to prepare myself for her end – to get ready to do her ghusl, to get ready for her janazah. But I wasn’t hearing it. I couldn’t.

How does one prepare themselves to never again see the one they love so dearly?

Just a few months back

It was just a few months back that we sat with her on the dining table to the full table spreads she’d so lovingly prepare for us. It was just a few months back she’d chase me around to grab me, sit me down and douse my hair in oil.

It feels like just yesterday when we sat around her bed humming along to her favourite tunes (aka maapala songs) from her past, hearing her reminisce of her youth as we flicked through decades worth of dusty albums.

Are you really telling me that I may no longer see her like that?

I just couldn’t believe it.

Her smile that day

The whole family from across the world made our way over to India. Every time a new member arrive, we’d see a smile on her face. Our hopes would go up. But then the last family member arrived, we saw her beautiful face light up once more. And then that was it.

She didn’t respond much after that. She was in and out of consciousness and then left us two days later on the 8th.

It was like she had no will to fight this anymore. After seeing her whole family together for a final time, her only wish, she gave into the pangs of death.

Her smile that day, as we shrouded her, is only thing that grants me contentment during this time. Her face looked radiant and peaceful. So different from the days before she spent in pain. I knew her end was a beautiful end and I thank Allah so much for that.

A woman of unconditional love

As I write today, there’s a different type of urgency in me to share this piece.

I want people to know about her. I want to speak about her to everyone. I want her to be remembered. To know what an amazing beautiful person she was and how the world lost someone so selfless and loving.

When I think of my grandma I think of the word unconditional love. More than even my parents, uncles or siblings, I’ve never felt a love more unconditional than from her.

I did so little for her, couldn’t even speak her language properly, yet I never felt less loved than the siblings and cousins who could. She had no clue about the achievements I was making in my school or career. No idea of the new projects I was part of but none of that mattered to her. Till her last day, she saw me as the young free child running through the house and showered her love on me as such. That was the way of showing her love to us all, and it’s hard to believe we may never feel a love like that again.

In her death

The thing that keeps me going is knowing that, even though in her lifetime I may have done so little for her, in her death Allah is still giving me a chance to repay her for at least a fraction of all the love she’s showered on me throughout my life.

May my lifetime allow me to give my all in being of service to her, through my duas and more, just like how she always did for everyone around her.

I ask Allah to forgive her and have mercy on her. To expand for her her grave and illuminate it and reunite us all in the highest ranks of paradise.

Ameen, ya Rabb.

– – –

Thank you my friend for reading through this jumble of thoughts. I appreciate it.

Please keep my grandma in your prayers.

إنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ