#28 Reflections: Lost In Decisions

Is it possible to be this lost about a decision?

I told myself this year I will concentrate on taking life less seriously. I will not spend so much time musing on all the things that can go wrong if I take a certain decision.

Yet why am I hesitating so much to say yes or no.

If you ask me what I want to say. I want to say no. I don’t want to say yes.

But I’m, in complete honesty, scared to say no.

Because how am I meant to know what’s best for me. I’m only 23. I try to stay open with the advice I get but it all just conflicts. Everyone has a different opinion based on the set of their own life experiences. Trying to wholly take someone elses advice is almost like using the mark scheme answers of someone elses life exam for my exampaper.

I know istikharah is the answer. To stop putting the burden of making choices for yourself and to allow Allah to guide you.

But this time even that seems confusing.

Back in the day

When I think about a time where I was confused about what decision to take, I remember it was in college, when I had to decide what degree to apply for.

I would say I was more lost then than I am now. There was a plethora of fields I could go into. There was so much I was interested in, so much I had yet to explore. After so much deliberation I went for maths. Lol yep the most boring subject that was possible.

But my heart still did not feel at ease. I wanted something more. I enjoyed creativity, I enjoyed making things. I wanted to go for architecture or interior design, but submitting an art portfolio daunted me. Maths was just an easy safe option.

My heart wasn’t in it but I went with the flow anyway. I finished the year, sat my exams and then results day came. I’d got better grades than expected. I got an email from UCAS telling me I was eligible for adjustment, I could choose any course I wanted to.

Subhanallah this felt like an opening. This felt like the answer to my istikharah.

So I did another istikharah then and went into architecture. It couldn’t have been easier to get in. The path was so easy and open. I got in with a bunch of science A levels. I didn’t even have to submit an art portfolio. This was for sure my istikharah in play.

And then I realised it wasn’t for me and left 4 months later lol.

To most people when I say this, they think this is me relaying an incident of me making the wrong decision. But for me, I know it was the perfect decision.

I know this was the istikharah answer. Because I left architecture and was forced to take a gap year. And that gap year changed me in incomprehensible ways (but we’ll leave that for another day).

I bring up this incident because

I bring up this incident because although I had istikharah by my side, it wasn’t a straight easy path to reach where I am now. But it was the perfect path. Because I learnt and grew in ways that wouldn’t have been possible down the straight path.

I bring up this incident because it makes me reflect on how I felt then. I was confused about what degree to take. My heart leaned towards one while my mind and rationality leaned towards the other. I listened to my mind and made my istikharah based on it. But Allah opened the path to what my heart wanted instead and so I want with what my heart thought best. But then as I went down that path I realised this path wasn’t for me. So I stopped and took a detour, only to find the detour filled with barakah and goodness.

I bring up this incident because it makes me think how I should deal with my current confusion. I must continue my istikharah, that is for sure. But should I listen to my heart or mind?

I bring up this incident because it makes me think that I should maybe listen to my heart. To how I feel. Because maybe those feelings are put in me by Him, to guide me.

But frankly put, even my mind isn’t fully convinced with the yes.

So why am I even confused then?